Cheater AdviceMy Husband is a Cheater

Sad day - I need cheater advice.

Dear Savvy

My husband is a cheater. Long story short – I discovered his affair via email and chat on our computer and when I confronted him he initially denied it but quickly came clean. It’s been going on for about 7 months and he says it will never happen again.

I’m devastated. Do I forgive and forget, or, “once a cheater always a cheater”? Is this relationship over?

I am so very sorry – I know how it feels and there is no greater sting. Is there any hope? We have to ask a number of questions and spend some time considering the answers carefully.

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Ask yourself the following seven questions:

1. Is this an isolated incident or a pattern? Has he cheated before – even back when you were dating? Or was this an out and out shock; you would have never suspected this kind of behavior? If it’s a pattern there is no reason to believe he will change.

2. Does he own his mistake or is he making excuses? Has he flat-out said, “I know what I did and I am sorry, it will not happen again”, or is he spending a lot of cycles convincing you it’s your fault? Your behavior very well could be a contributor – but that is a separate issue to address in counseling. If he takes no responsibility and isn’t really sorry for his choice but just sorry he got caught – there is no hope for a healthy future.

3. Insightful or oblivious? Does he have a clear, articulated understanding of the devastation this has caused to you and your family? Has he asked for cheater advice? Or does he just think this is a mistake that only affects him for a moment in time and why is everyone making such a big deal? He needs to acknowledge that your relationship has been affected forever. (We will talk about forgiveness and moving on in the full report.)

4. Is he willing to clean this mess up or does he just want it to go away? If he wants to ignore this already and just get on with life, you will have a great deal of trouble moving forward. If, on the other hand, he is willing to attend as much counseling as needed, explain his actions to the kids and your extended family – you have hope. There is a problem – now what is he willing to do about it?

5. Was this out of character or is he typically an ass-hole? If no one was surprised about this discretion you must be asking yourself by now why you married him in the first place. If everyone was shocked – that’s a good sign.

6. Legacy or a new behavior? In other words, was his Dad a cheater? This is actually pretty significant – these behaviors are a combination of inherited and learned.

And finally...

7. If you re-invest in this relationship and allow yourself to build back the trust and he cheats again – would you be emotionally bankrupt? Now you have to consider your own band-width. Have you been cheated on before? Are you at your end with the trust issue or are you finding strength through this process?

So much to consider, Jill. Again – I am so sorry for your hurt!

Savvy Jones

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Cheater advice done, Dear Savvy he's jealous!

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