Dealing With Jealousy

I need advice on dealing with jealousy...

Dear Savvy,

My boyfriend is consumed with jealousy and I wonder if this is something that gets better once you’re engaged or married? I've never written to a romance advice column before, but this is getting bad.

It seems like he doesn’t trust me and I’ve never given him a reason not to. He questions me about everything – where I’ve been if I’m even 10 minutes late getting home from work, why it took me so long at the store, and he doesn’t allow me to go out with my girlfriends without him because he says I’ll get hit-on.

We are planning to become engaged and my hope is that once the ring is on my finger he will feel more confident in “us” and give me some peace. My friends and family have noticed his jealousy and call it a “control issue” but I feel like he’s jealous because he’s so crazy about me. Once I’m his wife, won’t this get better?

Hopeful, Jill

Run away. I can’t be any clearer – run away! Please understand that ANY challenge you have in a courtship will MAGNIFY in marriage, not mellow. That’s just the way it is. Dealing with jealousy now? Just wait until a year from now if you don't face it.

Jealousy is rooted in low self-esteem. Your boyfriend doesn’t think very much of himself and probably for good reason. I would bet dollars to donuts that he’s cheated on you before or is known for cheating in prior relationships. Yes? My wise Grand-Mother used to say, “A thief will always suspect you of stealing”. We reflect our worst traits on others.

A very telling piece of information is disclosed in your choice of words, “he doesn’t allow me to go out”… Can you not see how unhealthy this is? People in healthy relationships don’t ask permission to go out – they respectfully take the other’s feelings into consideration and act accordingly. If you are trust-worthy there is no reason what-so-ever that you shouldn’t be trusted with your girlfriends. This is a huge red flag! And if that isn't enough - if you're friends and family have spoken up and called this out, they are waving the red flag in your face and you are choosing to continue the race anyway.

Once you are married you will “be his” and his bad behavior will increase. My suggestion is to either get into some good counseling and see if he is willing to work on himself or just save yourself some time now and RUN AWAY!

Explicitly,

Savvy Jones